If this journey has taught me one thing – it has taught me to LIVE! Not in the shadows, not under the radar, not behind a disease, not under a rock or behind a bushel – it has taught me to LIVE OUT LOUD!  My Best, Most Amazing, Magnificent, Beautifully Creative and Inspired Life!

Diagnosed in September of 2017 – feeling like the world was crashing down around me, like I was standing in piles of rubble, which I thought was my life!   The emergency room doctor looked at the scans and I remember the bleak look  of gloom and doom on his face as he sent my daughters out of the room to announce the sentence – telling me they found a mass – but not just a mass, but growing masses that had metastasized.  I sat there in shock and asked, “what, am I going to die”?  And he just shrugged.  He stood there with the most hopeless/helpless look on his face, and she shrugged!  That’s where this part of my journey consciously began.

You know those scenes in the movie where everything and everyone is moving around you, but you’re still standing still, not really watching or acknowledging, but just kind of in your own moment, just stuck there, and time is just passing and slipping by, but that is where you are in that particular moment in time – just kind of stuck & still while life and the world continues on – you can’t think or snap yourself out of it or awake from it – you’re just there until it passes – not really knowing how or if it will, because many times you don’t even know you’re there.  That’s how I felt for months after I received the news in the emergency room that day.  One minute I was on my way to get a cough checked out to rule out bronchitis, pneumonia, or God forbid, even a blot clot.  I told the girls, let’s just run over to the urgent care, get this checked out, worst come, I’ll get an antibiotic and then we’ll go to Starbucks.

Well, it’s funny how things work out! (Not funny ha-ha), but funny nonetheless.  Urgent care doctor sends me straightaway to the ER because something about my heartbeat was irregular and my oxygen being low.  So I get over to the ER and they say, your heartbeat is a little off, could be because of anxiety, but your oxygen is fine.  But, the doctor says they will do a full workup to rule out heart-attack or blot clot.  The nurse comes in with her little computer cart and IV ready to setup and I immediately let her know “Oh, I’m not staying”, she chuckles and lets me know the IV is “just in case”.  Hmph!  So I undergo a battery of tests, blood tests, chest x-rays, EKG, CT Scan.

Going into the CT Scan room, looking at this tube, I remember thinking “really?” Ok.  Remember that IV the nurse put in, well here’s where it came in handy, a CT scan with contrast, great.  The technician says “raise your arms over your head, we’re getting ready to get started.”  This was no one or two minute scan, this was quite involved for a few minutes and that’s when I heard a whisper in my Spirit say “you’re not alone”.  I was thinking it was because I was feeling a tiny bit claustrophobic in this tube.  Again, the whisper, “you’re not alone”.  Almost immediately I was calm.  This was the test – it was this test that was the beginning of my “yellow brick road”.  As soon as the doctor told me what he saw on the scan, I KNEW why I heard that whisper as profoundly as I did!  From that point on I would remember that whisper from God’s lips to my spiritual ears “you are not alone”.

Then I thought… “wow, so we’re NOT going to Starbucks”!

Evolving...

When something hits your spirit and it feels like tumultuous waves crashing up against the walls of your soul!

The Doctors!

My first call was from my Primary Care Physician. It was Saturday afternoon, and while I wasn’t totally surprised to hear from her, I was just a tiny bit.  She tried to explain a bit what the ER doctors thought they saw on the scans, I don’t think I really heard much of what she was saying.  Something about some nodules and lymph nodes being sick or blocked, it was all greek to me.  I asked her if she was freaking out over the news, but she assured me that while she was not freaking out, she was concerned and set me up with my first visit to a Pulmonologist Specialist – Dr. Young! I saw Dr. Young the following Monday afternoon, he immediately scheduled me for a biopsy within the next week.  After the biopsy, Dr. Young confirmed that it was indeed cancer.  I asked him also if he was freaking out, he too assured me that it was nothing to be alarmed about, that what was going on was definitely “treatable”.  I slept the remainder of the day from the anesthesia, so nothing really registered that day, but the next day I was on a teeter-totter of encouragement & discouragement.  One minute I’m like, wow this is really happening, the next, but this is treatable, the next, wow this is happening, the next, but this is treatable.  Dear Lord!  But not much time to ponder any of it because after that the whirlwind was picking up, more tests, more scans, PET scans, MRI scans, blood tests, another biopsy, the chemo oncologist, the radiology oncologist. Appointments, appointments and more appointments.  When I finally got to sit down with the oncologist, Dr. Dowlati, I was exhausted, but there were more tests to be had! 

my team!

When we left the ER, we were all just kind of stunned into silence.  I was determined to still go to Starbucks and Target to just kind of distract myself…. Well, that’s like trying to forget about a fresh wound, slap a bandaid on it without stopping it from bleeding.   I’m in Target and I have my Starbucks, but I’m stuck, mentally, emotionally and psychologically.  I’m wandering around Target like I have no clue of where I am or what I’m doing, finally I realize this isn’t working.  I’m not sure where my mindset was the rest of that day, all I could think about were my girls, my sisters and my niece, what would life be like for them without me.  I personally knew that I was not afraid to cross over to the other side of life, but way down deep in my spirit I didn’t believe it was time or that my life on this side had come to that point – but I also didn’t know what was  on the other side of the weekend.   I needed some sound advice, and yet I really didn’t want any.  I needed to hear something profound, but yet I didn’t want to hear a bunch of fluffy words with no meaning – so I withdrew within where I knew there was a well flowing with abundant wisdom – a river of life flowing inside of me that had all of the answers I needed – after all you can’t have Wisdom Walks With the Divine and be empty yourself.  All of your gifts are to serve yourself first and then others!

I had no idea what the  upcoming days of my life were going to be like, I didn’t even know what to expect from myself.  So I didn’t put any demands on myself to try to be strong or to try to be much of anything.  I had to lean, I felt like leaning and so that’s exactly what I did.  I looked up to God, and I said, “I don’t know how to do this, I don’t know how to be this person, you have got to help me through this, because, I can’t.”  So I leaned on God… but I didn’t really understand how to “lean” on others, but I desperately needed to, I didn’t know how.  I  thought how do you go from being the person running around extending love and care to others, making baskets, taking baskets, doing all sorts of loving gestures and acts of kindness – how do you go from being that person, the orchestrator, to the person that now needs to lean on someone else.  What?  I didn’t understand how to do that, and mostly importantly, I didn’t think I wanted to.  I wanted to be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get in there and do what I had to do – but the funny thing is, I had no idea what that was.    But I knew I had to, needed to, lean.    I had to learn that your support team really loves you, wants to be there for you and they really are capable of bearing all the weight of you leaning on them.  They want you to “lean” on them they love you and really want you to be okay.  The burden that you think you’re carrying, that you think is so extremely and incredibly heavy really weighs practically nothing — because God really is carrying you and all of it!  And God has not only equipped you with all of the strength you need, he has equipped your team!

God has given us all everything we need to get through everything for ourselves and for each other.  I had to learn that while going through this process.  You want to protect the ones you love from so much and all of the bad stuff, but it’s so true that God will not let you bear the heaviness of any burdens alone.  I had to rekindle my faith in a completely different avenue!  I trusted God, but I had to trust God on a whole other level — I had to learn to trust Him through others.

 

Love & Support
(In and out)

Not only has my family been a tremendous source of support, but I am tremendously BLESSED to have extended family and oh so many friends, who have offered the most encouraging, sweetest, genuine and heartfelt sentiments, kind gestures and just plain old “being there”.  I am definitely most grateful for my forever best friend Mickey! She has been instrumental in this journey; hanging out with me during some of the most difficult times/appointments; and mostly just “hanging in there” as she would say, sticking by my side, us just being us! We are definitely blessed to still have each other! She is an amazing example of beauty and strength, having gone through her own triumphs! I will forever love this woman, no matter where life takes us!  I am grateful.  

For a while I only shared the news with a few, but one day a dear friend told me, “people want to know what’s going on with you, people love you and want to know that you’re okay.”  That was sobering, humbling and amazing.  I told God I would share my story, but when and if I did, it had to be in an inspirational light – that it couldn’t be about pity, but it had to be one of strength and encouragement so that it would bless someone else.  So when I finally decided to share it, I asked just one thing, I asked that no one say, “I’m sorry…”  Because I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me.  I want people to celebrate life with me.  I want them to thank God with me, for total and complete well-being.  I want them to know that no matter where I was/am, what was/is going on, or what was to come, that God is still ALWAYS good! Life is still always good! ALL really is well, and that still good, amazing, wonderful, fantastic, phenomenal, awesome, fabulous and spectacular things are happening!  Love & support flows in and it floods out – it flows in and it floods out, and again for that I am truly grateful.

This is Rare..!

So you get this crazy “lung carcinoma” diagnosis and you think – What the hell?   What?   Where did this come from?  I don’t smoke, have never smoked and don’t have a family history, so what gives?  So this is one of those  “rare” things the doctor says, well both doctors – the pulmonologist and the oncologist, it’s rare.  Although about 10 years ago it was such a shocking rarity, but now it’s still a rarity, but not that shocking.   Oh, it is very important that I point out that It’s the non-small cell that “non-smokers” get – like how fair is that?!?!    Right? You have the issue, but you have absolutely nothing to attribute it to, not even the guilty pleasure of smoking.   So anyway.  I had no idea about the specifics until speaking with the oncologist.  So he comes into the room and greets me with the kindest face & smile, then proceeds to give me the business about what’s happening, not only in my lungs, but lymph nodes as well.   

The good news is he says, no chemo and no radiology.  I think great this is fantastic news.  Then he says, the not-so-great news is that this disease is so silent that once you start having symptoms and make it to the doctor’s office, you’re already at Stage IV.  Stage IV?  Yep, Stage IV.  So there is a drug that can help, but because I was already at Stage IV, the hope is to bring it into complete remission, and not only extend my life (quantity), but to have a good quality of life.  But the catch — and this is where you go get the magic potion and you have to read the fine print on the back of the bottle – most of the time you’re so excited about what the potion is supposed to do, (make you younger, thinner, rich or beautiful, etc.), that you think, how bad can the fine print be – I’ll be all that I’ve ever dreamed of being.  Well, anyway, yes, this medicine would make me better, the only thing is, that because the carcinoma was so far along, he said that I’ll most likely be on this medicine for the rest of my life.  Well, now don’t get all sad and defeated.  Just look at  it as taking a blood pressure pill or hey, a daily vitamin, but you can never miss – 4 pills twice a day – everyday.  Yes, 4 pills twice a day, everyday – 8 pills a day.   So although I was pretty grateful, that I wasn’t going to need chemotherapy and pretty sure I wasn’t going to need radiology, I wasn’t sure how the rest of me felt.   The doctor of course scheduled more scans, tests and of all things Lord, another biopsy, this time of the lymph nodes.

Medicine is a wonderful thing.  When I first got the cough that was not really consistent, but it was persistent, I thought oh it’s just a chest cold or something crazy like that.  But I think that somewhere deep in the fiber of my being I knew that something was wrong and not quite right.  You try to listen to your body, but you try to treat the symptoms, because you’re not really sure what’s going on.  So I drunk a lot of tea and cough syrup, throat lozenges, etc.  It would seem to subside, but then it would not.  One day my daughter says, “mommy you need to go get that checked out”.  I thought about it, but then it would stop and something else would come up.  One morning while walking to the bus stop, I felt extremely fatigue and out of breath, and I remember thinking, “something is wrong”, but I chocked it up to the humidity and kept going.  Looking back, I remember not ever feeling that much out of breath.  Once the cough would pick up again, I would have chest pains, and again I thought, this doesn’t feel right, this hurts, but I would take some aspirin and the symptoms again would subside, and I would go on about my day.  I remember saying to Anthony one morning while he was driving me to work, that a little bit of light blood came up in my cough, but then nothing, and he too said, “go get that checked out”.  But then it went away.  The day I decided to go, one of the girls gets a massive nosebleed so I run her to the emergency.  The symptoms again seemed to rest and then I went on with my life.   Well it had gotten to the point where I could no longer lie flat from coughing at night, and now it has been a couple of months.  One night I’m lying down and there’s this noise coming from somewhere, it sounded like a silent whispers of a tea kettle.  So I get really quiet, turn the television down so I could listen, and dear Lord it was me.   Wheezing?  Was that wheezing?   A couple of days later I heard sloshing, there was actually a sloshing noise inside, and I’m thinking what, is that fluid?  Gas?  So I asked one of the nurses at work to listen to my lungs, and she didn’t hear anything.  So, i thought, yep – indigestion.   I asked another nurse at a different, time – she didn’t hear anything either.  So I went on.  But my body kept trying to send me signals that something was wrong, a dizzy-fainting spell here, a cold night sweat there, progressive cough with no mucus – why continue to take Mucinex, God only knows.  You think, “I’m young and healthy and otherwise feel okay”, until the day you absolutely do not feel “okay”.  I’m thinking back and I’m so grateful my body didn’t give up on me – because I was not being a very good listener at the time.

I’m lying in bed one morning reading jokes and watching funny videos and while laughing the cough comes up and almost chokes the life out of me -and I swear I could hear out loud a voice say, “get up and go now”!  It was Saturday morning, I got up got dressed, and asked my daughter to run with me right quick to urgent care – hurry up get this checked out and then we would go to Starbucks.   While I was getting dressed, I heard in my spirit, “I know you have strong faith, and don’t really like hospitals, but doctors and medicine are gifts and a blessings to help you feel better and be better, so go and get better.” Now.

It was true, I didn’t like hospitals because I had spent so much time there when my parents were sick. But after a couple of months, I had a brand new appreciation for doctors and hospitals.  My whole perspective changed.  I was there and it was the best place to be to get better, and I had some of the BEST doctors, staff, nurses.  Kind, compassionate, good listeners – I’m truly blessed!  

When I first started taking the medication, immediately it made me extremely tired and fatigue and everything tasted like dye.  Although miraculously, after a couple of weeks I started to feel much better.  First I started coughing less and the chest pains were less and less.  The tea kettle whisper went away and the sloshing stopped.   I had come to find out the chest pains were a symptom of the cancer in my lymph nodes.  Man, God is so Good!  

So I’m on the medicine and I’m feeling better, but I knew I would probably experience some minor side effect.  Mostly I was hopeful and only focusing on feeling better.  I consider myself blessed to have my cells becoming healthy, and if I have to deal with constipation, there’s a remedy for that, a little bit of weight gain, well so what, fatigue, okay so I’ll rest.  But there were times when I was overwhelmed with the “thought” of it all – and you’re  still inside of yourself going through what you’re going through and trying to figure it all out, trying to  develop new “coping” skills.  The refocusing takes time, it does not happen overnight.  At first the constipation was making me crazy, I mean it may not seem like a big deal to some, but it was just another reminder that you’re not feeling well, and now this – but when the doctor’s nurse gave the okay to take the laxatives everyday, what a relief, physically & mentally.  It was just a matter of figuring out what works, and thank God.    As women, we struggle so much with trying to manage our weight, trying not to gain weight, that anything that “causes” weight gain totally stresses us out.  We’re already up against so many things that aid in weight gain, our hormones, genetics, sometimes medications, sometimes stress, seems like any little thing can be a trigger for us.  We are constantly working to develop the mindset of accepting our WHOLE, complete selves and loving ourselves no matter what, is not always the easiest thing – and it is a constant daily reminder, everyday – LOVE MYSELF!  Accepting myself!  Appreciating who I am and all that I am.  We are doing the best that we can – we should be so much more kinder to ourselves!   So everyday that I get my fabulous self out of bed, I am determined to love ME and to be kind to me.  I am inspired to be all that I can be today.  I pull my hair back, wrap a scarf around where hair is missing, put on my lip gloss, wear a pretty flattering dress, put on my perfume and makeup, take me daily medicine, at some point take some laxatives, walk with my head high and do my absolute best that I can do “today”.

Trapped inside of myself!

When you have the luxury of sitting all alone with yourself – drowning in your thoughts of not knowing “what’s going to happen next.” You get to sit and wonder about your today, tomorrow and all of the unknown moments in between.   At first I told only a couple of my close friends and  family members, because I didn’t want to or know how to answer a whole lot of questions, and I didn’t want to hear a lot of comments that were padded with pity.  I don’t know that I had fully come to grips with what was going on or that I even understood it.  I mean this was nothing new, I wasn’t the first or the only one, this old gloom-greeter cancer had been around for hundreds of years, way before my time, some survived, some hadn’t.   I was honestly in a place in my life where I just didn’t know what to do or where to turn.  I felt like the answers I was getting were so generic and superficial.  Where were my parents?  Dear God, where were my parents?  My mind was swimming and I thought I was eventually going to drown in my own thoughts!   As far as encouragement, you get “it’s going to be okay” or “I’m praying” or “God’s got you” or my personal non-favorite “you got this.”  Where did that one come from?  Your life inside of you is literally crumbling and falling apart, you don’t know one minute from the next and folk think/say, “you got this”.  No, no I don’t “got this,” because guess what – you can have “this” back, whatever “it” is.   Another one of my non-favorites, was “it’s going to be okay.”  And the funny thing about that one, I grew to accept it, embed it and know it to be true.   I’m at the hospital waiting to undergo yet another scan, this time it was yet another the MRI, this time with contrast.  OMG, this test gives me SO MUCH anxiety.  I mean the very thought of it right now gives me heart palpitations, but I was lying on the table getting prepped for the MRI, I begin my deep breathing, mind escape techniques and I swear just as clear as day both of my parents appear into the room, Dad on the left and Mom on the right, and my mom say, “you’re going to be okay sweetie” and then my dad says, “yep, you gon’ be okay kid”, and somehow I knew/felt – way down deep where it mattered, that yep – It?I was going to be okay.   I learned to hold on to those precious moments in what seemed like my darkest days.  Because that MRI had a story of it’s own to tell.

Wisdom said to me once,”‘you’ll stop looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, when you realize that you ARE the light”.  The Light, the bright-side, the silver lining – that’s all you Baby Girl!!!

My Mind

At this point my doctor’s appointments are 3 to 4 weeks apart.  Between those appointments, yet another biopsy, more tests and scans, I felt like I was there every week.  So, I’m at my appointment after a series of scans and blood-draws, just checking in to see how things are going and if I’m still tolerating the medicine well, and it’s been a couple of months and I’m starting to feel significantly better and the scans are showing significant improvement – and that last biopsy from hell, showed nothing more significant.  Actually it was a blessing that the biopsy was as horrible as it was, even though it didn’t feel that way at the time, the radiologist couldn’t grab a viable sample from the lymph nodes because the cells were basically dying.  For this particular test – you’re awake, under a mild sedative – but you’re awake and for me it was not pleasant, not pleasant at all.  

So although the doctor has good news about all of that and it seemed like the appointment was over, at the it was almost like “oh, by the way”… I’d like you to follow-up with radiology-oncology, there was a tiny spot on your MRI – at some point it may need to be zapped with a gamma-ray gun, but of course it could be gone.  (Smile).  Talk about a WHOLE DIFFERENT LEVEL of Anxiety.  What? — A spot on the MRI?  On my Brain?  In my Brain?  What?  Dear Lord, this disease was going rogue! My brain?  Nevertheless, I made the appointment, and I knew the first thing that doctor would request for me to do was undergo yet ANOTHER MRI.  I was fit to be tied.  This was something that I chose to put out of my mind, until it decided to invade my thoughts anyway.  I told myself this was going to fine – that this next test would be clear and there would be no gamma gun treatment needed.  But too, I couldn’t always shake that my brain had also been involved in all of this.  Why was that any scarier than any other body part being affected – I don’t know, but it was.  Everything about it made me feel “crazy”.  The next appointment with radiology-oncology to go over the MRI results, Oh My – it was the worst anxiety yet – my patience and tolerance was non-existent, I just did not want to be there – not because the doctor wasn’t pleasant, the staff was extremely pleasant, very patient and caring and accommodating, but I was just not in a good mindset to sit through it.  For years I had suffered with migraines, and now all I could think of, what if all along it was a growing tumor.  Just crazy thoughts, or what if the migraines had somehow caused the tumor – more crazy thoughts.  I was tired, exhausted, but only I understood why.  You never really know how the person feels that’s actually going through what they’re going through, and most of the times there are no words because you’re either trying to digest it, come to grips with it, not come to grips with it or hope one day you’ll wake up and it will be just a weird dream.  But this appointment which should have been short and sweet seemed to be one of the longest appointments of my life and a thousand and one times I wanted to get up, walk out and say screw it.  The nurse just taking my vitals seemed to be moving in slow motion wanting to share with my his life story, and while it was almost sweet, I just kept thinking, “I just don’t want to be here.”  Finally I’m in the room waiting for the doctor, which seemed like another eternity after the previous eternity – why was this taking a million years.  The nurse practitioner finally arrives and her words seemed to be garbled together in slow motion, the first thing I tune in on is her mispronouncing my name.  Then while she’s looking at my chart – she says “so why are you here”.  I thought, “Dear Lord, you’ve got to be kidding me.”  I’m stunned for a moment, I don’t know how to answer.  Did she want the long or the short version?  So I tell her basically, I’m here to get the results of the MRI you guys had me take.  Dear Lord, she wanted the long version… I’m on the brink of breaking.  I’m not sure how long I can hold it together and I’m alone in this room – no one around to talk me down off the ledge.  She sidebars and mentions the medicine I’m taking – the wrong medicine – and I’m — yep, an emotional Tsunami is coming – she looks and say, “are you okay?”  And there it went tears flood all over the place like an avalanche!  I’m losing my complete whole self, just coming apart at seams as I struggle to get out “I just don’t want to be here…  Here…. in radiology-oncology…  in this room… with you.”  I hate what’s happening, I’m afraid of what’s happening, I don’t understand it … still, and I don’t want to be here doing this part.”  She manages to get out some consoling words… And then… she says… THEN… after an examination, after having my temperature taken, blood pressure checked, a bazillion questions… THEN she says, “Oh Honey, it’s okay, your scans came back clear.”  WOW!  At that point I didn’t know how to feel… I was relieved and yet kind of angry, still.  My emotions had been so elevated the whole time, it took a good hour for me to settle into the true “feeling” of appreciation.  I knew that I was appreciative and grateful, I said it.  But it took a moment for it to settle.  I mean, I know it sounds weird and like seriously, what was so horrible? People go through this and come out champions, right.?  What was the big deal of this whole gamma-ray procedure?

I had already fixed my whole self to deal with whatever… Except this!  When I was prepared to deal with it, I was told that it wasn’t necessary and didn’t have to happen.  I put it out of my mind and set my course to deal with what “was” happening.  So in mid course, when this came up – I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t prepared.  This brought on a battle of it’s own separate from what was going on in any other part of my body.  But my brain – my mind – my thoughts – my central processing unit of my entire body.  I wasn’t ready, and I never dealt with it head on until right there in the doctor’s office, because there it was, in my face – and then it wasn’t.  It was like arguing with a ghost that no one could see but me.  I had imagined this whole image, yet somehow it was real.  I tossed and turned and was in complete turmoil with something that wasn’t even there.  Like having an unwanted guest at your house, ringing your doorbell, but you’re not home.  You get home and the neighbor tells you “so-and-so” was at your door – instant anger.  What were they doing there? Why had they visited?  They were not welcome. You go through the house angry as if they have let themselves in and taken a seat on the sofa – they’re not there.  You can’t deal with the fact that they had the nerve to come visit – more anger.  You curse their very existence – more anger.  You say out loud they are not welcome.  You remember bad things about them – anger and anxiety.  You’re on the brink of a mental breakdown thinking about they were there ringing your bell and you were not there to answer – isn’t that crazy!  You were not there to answer.  You never even felt or knew about their presence – and you’ve manufactured all of these feelings about it.  You ask another neighbor if they saw this person, and they confirm, “noooooo, just a lost stranger, he had the wrong address.”  Relief!  But, your emotions are so elevated, it takes a minute for it to settle.  My brain, which I wanted not to be a part of what was happening – I had taken my thoughts down the road to almost believing it was true.  When you’re thoughts are stuck in the battle of “everything is okay vs. but what if”- no matter what everything is still and will be okay.


The Reconstruction..!

Your on this road, your journey, and you’re blessed to see and be in some wonderful & magnificent places, and you just keep traveling along joyful in your journey because you know there’s so much more magnificent & wonderful things/places/relationships to behold and to be had.  

Every now and then and every once in a while you may travel across a place that’s not so lovely or magnificent (or pleasant), or for a few miles you run into construction that leads you on harsh, bumpy road splits and detours, seemingly taking you off course and perhaps making you feel inconvenienced and impatient, and maybe a little uncomfortable.  –but you take it all in stride.    You realize  if you look, if you really pay attention, you notice still some amazing things on even the detoured journey.  You realize that you’re still on course and there’s still joy in the journey –  if you choose to acknowledge it!  You realize that the little hiccup in the road, is just that, “little” and that it’s not even a setback, because you’re still traveling and your still on your path, still on course- that even in this detour in the midst of all the construction there is still beauty to behold and magnificence in the now & in things to come.  I’m learning that in my now.  I’m learning to sit back, chill, relax, and go with the flow, to feel the magnificence in my now, to know & believe that more and more good, great, amazing, wonderful, fantastic, phenomenal, fabulous and awesome things are happening & moments are coming, because God is Good, Life is Good, All is Well and I’m still on course!!!

So it’s okay to go through a complete overhaul of our complete selves.  Not just physically, but  also mentally, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, all that jazz.   I may have thought many times “okay so how is this fair” – but I never sat around feeling sorry for myself wondering “why me?”  Even in those moments of depression and anxiety, I knew that it was okay, God was always with me and help was always on the way.   One minute I would be okay, just going on about my day, and the next minute I would be having a major meltdown, faced with an avalanche of emotions.  I let it come, let it breathe, let it sit for a cup of tea, and let it pass.  I would already be in the next moment. [This too shall pass].  Was it easy?  Absolutely not.  Does it get easier?  At times.  It really all depends upon what moment you’re in when you’re in it.  We really cannot predict the future of how we will feel at any given moment.  But what I have learned to do, even before al l of this happened, was to focus on the Good stuff!  Keep focusing on the good stuff.  Whether I’m in a good moment or not-so-good moment I practice focusing on the good stuff, and one day your mind will just be trained to do it.  When I’m in the MRI  tube (which i hate so much), I focus on my breathing , the music playing and I dance to the thumbing and bumping and knocking in the machine, I turn them into melodies.  It takes me a minute to get there, but when I’m there I zone out and before I know it, it’s done.  (Thank God)!

With every reconstructing and overhauling of each of my new cells I accept complete wellness and well-being – I am being made whole all over again – and that’s ALL GOOD!

 

refocusing

Dealing with any kind of illness takes a lot out of you, not only physically, but  like i mentioned before, mentally, emotionally and psychologically.  But dealing with a “deadly” illness – well, that’s stress of a different color.  You find yourself having those deep, intimate conversations with God, and I mean deeper than just “what’s my purpose”.  That’s one you’ve probably asked all along even on your most healthiest days, “what’s my purpose”?   You spin your wheels trying to figure out the answer to that question when you’re in tip-top shape.  But it’s funny how (not funny ha  ha), how a sudden illness will help you define it – your purpose!   And you will either rise to the occasion to meet your “purpose” head-on, because you will PURPOSE to Live each day, not only existing, but LIVE in whatever you have in each moment.   There were days, because of the medication I was taking, I would just be so completely exhausted and fatigue, my body just wanted to rest.  I’ve never really liked taking naps.  I was always just having something to do – keep moving.  But I soon learned to let myself rest — that it was okay to rest.  My body needed to rest.  My cells needed rest.   My body was working overtime to restore itself –  I needed the rest.  I soon learned to relish in it, appreciate it, and to  give my body what it needed to heal and feel better.  That was my purpose for those moments – to rest!  I realize that each moment has it’s own purpose.  It really is not about “the big picture”, but it is about each moment.  Maybe one moment my purpose is to rest, the next moment my purpose is to paint, the next moment to dance or sing, the next moment photography, the next moment laugh about something silly, the next moment enjoy something delicious, take a trip, plan an event, have a conversation with a friend.  All of those moments make up, my purpose – living in each moment, appreciating and enjoying my life, my humaness, my existence.  All the things that make me who I am, that make me laugh or smile and sometimes even cry.  Each piece of moment of my life has it’s own divine purpose and God wants me to enjoy each and every one!  I want to enjoy each and every one!  Today I appreciate a good nap.  I appreciate time alone and time with friends.    Today I appreciate and embrace each moment – purposely living the purpose of each one.

When you get that diagnosis you just immediately think about all of the bad stuff that is happening to your body, all of the good cells that are being damaged and destroyed and all of the many other things that might go wrong.  But you will drive yourself absolutely bat-crazy thinking those thoughts.  I had to refocus.  I thank God for the wisdom and insight to do that – refocus.  Our bodies are magnificent and wonderful creation, our cells have the ability to heal themselves beautifully, even if they need medicine to help.  So I had to think about my body’s ability to heal itself.  I had to see myself fully healed and enjoying my life!  I had to focus on LIVING and not worry about what was wrong or was not going right.  Because honestly sometimes you get stuck, and that’s the time to just do something or think about something entirely different.  I thank God for those laughs that make you forget you’re in pain.  Those moments that help you focus on Good things always happening!  It wasn’t always about whether I could see it or feel it, I believe it!   There were days I absolutely could not “see the forest for the trees” but trees give oxygen – life!  So if your’e stuck in the forest – just breathe.

Surround yourself with fun, positive people who will also be uplifting and encouraging.  I’ve separated myself from many conversations.  I just want to hear and be around the good stuff.  I want all of the good stuff.  I surround myself with folk that will help me stay in my Happy Place!   And when I’m sad for a moment, they can help me get back there with a hearty laugh, that they might not have even known that I needed.

rebuilding

At one of my doctor’s visits my oncologist looked me in the eye and said, “you’re going to be fine, you have to get back to enjoying your life and doing the things you were doing, before this happened”.    Not long after that I had a visit with my gynecologist and he said to me, “I have no doubt that you’re going to be just fine.”  I thought that was sweet and awesome for both of them – especially my gynecologist.  Pretty soon each one of my doctor’s had said it, even my dentist!   I felt like they were just pretty much confirming what I already knew.  It was God, the Universe speaking it right back to me and showing me–   It was time to start LIVING OUT LOUD – Again!!!    

But it’s not just about me believing in me – it’s about me believing in YOU too, believing in others!  I went to a support group once, because I just didn’t know where to turn or what to do or who to talk to -but I sat in that group and I listened to those precious, beautiful souls and I all I could think was “I want them to make it”.  I sat in that circle and it wasn’t about me, and what I needed at that moment, and I thought it was much, but I just sat there and prayed for each and every one of them with tears streaming down my face.  I knew a few things that night, but the most important thing I knew was I want people to know the BEAUTY of living their own beautiful & precious lives no matter what is happening , and I knew that I would not be back in that kind of setting, but I had to set out to venture (even spearhead) a different kind of setting!  Let’s run, jump, play, dance, sing, travel see things we haven’t seen, go places we haven’t gone, break some rules!  Eat the cake, drink the wine, say what’s on your mind, don’t be shy, walk in or by the ocean, splash in the fountain, go to the concert in a different city, do what makes your spirit soar and your soul fly free, and trust and believe that EVERYTHING is ALWAYS working out – Always!

So, I decided that I was going to start my own support group!  I haven’t the first clue or idea of how what to do, but they all had to start somewhere, and I once read something that said, if you can’t find what you are looking for, invent it or make it or you start it or write it – you know, stuff along those lines – in other words, be the light you want to see; be the difference you want to make, and all that jazzy-jazz!   I truly & sincerely hope that pieces of my story, life, inspiration, creativity, light – inspires someone, encourages someone, uplifts someone and people say to themselves, “you know what, I’m living my BEST LIFE, in each moment, OUT LOUD… as loud as it can be for me”!

moving forward

I know that some folk will say – what “cancer” an inspiration?  How? But it has truly inspired me to continue to Live my BEST life!  OMG, has it been a rocky-rough road yes indeed!  On some of my rockiest days I remember just picking up my paintbrush and just wanting/needing to get something down on the canvas, abstract or whatever.  At some of my most somber moments I have wanted to pick up my camera, just point and shoot.  Just capture a memory, a moment something that made me feel like I was truly LIVING!  It has increased my zest and my zeal for wanting to do all the things that I want (and probably came here) to do in each moment!  My tongue is the pen of a ready writer (Psalms 45:1).  If I have ever thrown caution to the wind, I definitely throw it now!  I say screw it to a LOT of stuff and just embrace my life, having fun!  I’m here and I’m in it for the FUN of it all — I pretty much always have been.  I just want to keep having fun and doing more and more of the things that I love and want to do, living that spark and inspiration.  I have to live in the moment, that is so profound to me, because you never know what your next moment is going to be anyway.  I mean, one moment I wasn’t diagnosed with cancer and the next moment I was – and I never saw that one coming! So I have to continue live in each magical moment and EXPECT the good in it.  I’ve learned (and I’m still learning, that if you look for the Good you will find it – and it will definitely find you!  Sometimes it just takes a little more energy or effort to see it, but then it will come naturally, you’ll see it everywhere, all around you.  You’ll see it in the beautiful colors of a butterfly, the leaves on the trees, or even in their bareness.  You’ll notice it in the smiles of strangers, when someone opens or holds a door that didn’t have to. You’ll notice it in the stars, moon, sun or the flowers that bloom, in a conversation with a friend, a kiss on your forehead or cheek, a card in the mail, just everywhere all around you, all the time!  That’s Living & Being Alive – That’s moving forward minute-by-minute.

But there are times I find myself looking back – looking back to be my “old normal self and this is what Wisdom had to say that:

Wisdoms says:  There is no going back to your “old normal self”, there is no more “normal”, there is only moving forward into extraordinary.  You can stop grieving “normal”, that was yesterday, and there’s no going back to that – “normal” is and will be no more – there is only “extraordinary” – even your own expectations exceed “normal” – so focus forward dear-heart, this is the now, new journey!!!

Needless to say – I no longer look back!

healing/living

It’s been just about almost a year and my journey continues.  But even with this as a part of my journey I am determined to make the rest of my life the very BEST of my life!  I am in complete remission!  Scans are clear and I’m doing and feeling fabulous and fantastic and healthy!  I’m determined to keep having fun!  If there is one very important thing I am still learning, it is to listen to my body.  When it calls for rest, to just rest and enjoy it!  As much as I love traveling, and going out doing fun things, hanging out with my friends, or shopping and doing fun stuff – I so love, no matter what kind of day it is, donning a cute pair of pajamas, climbing up in my bed with a book or my iPad just lying there appreciating the joy of doing absolutely nothing. I mean I absolutely love it!

 

one year later

Exactly one year and two months later since my diagnosis – October 2, 2017!  The day of, yet another, follow-up appointment, December 3, 2018. What a difference a day (year makes). So many changes – emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually & psychologically! Some very good and some quite challenging.  Every day is a day of recovery, rebuilding, reconstruction, repair, rejuvenation even if you’re in full remission – which I am so thankful to be, according to my last series of scans! Just because I am here – I have arrived to the state of “full remission”- my healing journey continues!  But even though sometimes I feel like I’m still on the battlefield, I’m so thankful for moments of retreat.

You know what the “sense-of-urgency” to live feels like?  Yep me too! That feeling that you need to hurry-up and do something more meaningful with your life! Am I making every minute count? Am I really living my BEST Life – Out Loud? Because NOW, if I didn’t know or have much reason to before – NOW, I have even MORE reasons on why I really need to be “living my absolute BEST LIFE!  Am I enjoying myself and having so much fun? What choices am I making daily that serve and benefit me, because even though I am where I am, I still get to choose.  Every day I get to choose how I want to live.  I get to choose the absolute best choices for myself.  I didn’t choose cancer – but I get to choose how I’m going to live.  Even having gone through this whole year with so many mixed emotions about so many things, having experienced some melt-downs and break-downs, that’s where I was, and that was okay, but it’s also where I chose not to stay.  I’m so thankful for all of the tears I cried, all of my vulnerable moments, for every emotional roller-coaster because those experiences were teachers.

MY Journey Continues...

…

As the journey (my journey) continues there will be yet more scans, blood-draws, appointments every few months or so, because, yes, even though I am in “complete remission” the particular diagnosis that I have does not give me a break for a year.  It seems that these doors into these appointments will remain on my road along the way.   Thus, as the journey continues so does healing, recovery and rejuvenation.

 

These tests are never really easy.  They weigh on you mentally, emotionally, psychologically and even physically, especially if you don’t have the most amazing techs that can always, always, always find a vein, with little pain and no issues.  I do have my favorites, and I do have those who I believe are the absolute worst, of whom paths I hope to never cross again.  I pray for good techs each time.  Although this last time, I feel like I dropped the ball, or at least someone did, God? Anyway, I don’t care how many times, I’ve done this or have to do this, it’s something I can’t bring myself to “get used to”… It’s not really part of the natural order of things, it’s just what’s happening to maintain the order – in this part of my life – right now, and even though I’m not alone, at times I can’t help but feel a bit of loneliness and isolation, like walking down a long lonely corridor into a dimly lit room that has a slight chill in the air.  It is during those times I realize I have to reach a little bit further to feel the comfort, warmth and companionship that really is surrounding me (everywhere.)  During this last round of tests/scans, I had the absolute worst tech, I swear ever.  Digging in my arm with an IV needle trying to find a vein like “where’s Waldo”.  It was not pleasant and quite painful.  She was so horrible, she had to call in another tech, and I swear even my veins were in distress and probably fainted/collapsed from exhaustion.  But, as I lie there, tears streaming down my face, into my ears, it was as though they went into my ear to whisper, “relax, it’s going to be okay”.  So I took a few deep breaths and began to focus outside of what was happening in the room as I lie there in this hard tube, being painfully poked with an IV needle.  I began to see it being okay and feeling relaxed.  I focused in, I listened past what was going on and heard the compassion and concern in the tech’s voice – it wasn’t easy for either one of us. But even though I was the one lying in the tube, I was the one feeling the agony, I was the one angry, frustrated, aggravated, sad and mad… and it wasn’t just about that needle that was piercing the layers of my skin – it was the very thing it represents, the very reason why – what I was feeling in that exact moment had nothing and everything to do with that needle (IV) in my arm for the contrast! Funny it’s called “contrast” because what is happening really is a HUGE variance (in contrast) of what should be happening.  So I’m in this room physically, mentally and emotionally, and it’s okay because that is where I was on my journey – but not where I am today. So I feel what I feel for wherever I am or may be in each moment and it’s okay, because it’s not where I have to stay! I was alone in the tube, but not alone in room. Only I can walk in my shoes, but I’m never walking alone. So even though that day of scans and tests started off a bit challenging, I’m thankful for where I was (even if not at the time), I’m thankful for where I am and thankful for where I’m going. Realizing that even at times when the destination is rough, I have to dig a bit deeper, reach a little further to see, feel, know, experience Joy in the Journey — because there is! God is Good, Life is Good, All is Well and Good Things Are Still Happening!  Right?

 

Got my "Head" in the game...

Okay so, like I said, it’s been a good year and, all things considered, thing are going well.  I am approaching my second year of treatment.  I would say what I would not have thought this would still be happening by now, but the truth is I have no idea what I thought would be happening right now, this all caught me by surprise and it still is catching me by surprise.  My thought process (or lack thereof) even catches me by surprise.  At times I find myself deep in a vortex of thoughts or just randomness or nothingness – my focus level deteriorates quite tremendously at times.  I oftentimes seem to be so oblivious to so many things, and yet still so very aware of so many things.  I check out mentally most of the time, and I personally think, perhaps it’s just a coping mechanism to all that is going on – because the truth is, even though I don’t fully identify with what is happening on the inside, to my body, my cells, I am totally aware.  I’m at the point where my focus is am I truly living my BEST Life?  Am I living it out loud?  Because honestly, one of the questions that tap dances in the back of my mind is whether I am or whether I am not – how long do I have to do it?  Wow, how morbid right?  But how very real.  When you are faced with something that is life altering, changing, no matter what it may be – and even if you are not – at some point in your life that questions must dance across your mind, and for many dances right off the stage.  It’s nothing you intentionally focus on, it’s like an annoying commercial that plays in the background.  You’re not really watching or paying much attention to it, but you notice every now and again that it’s on, and sometimes I forget to hit the mute button.  For a long while each and every time I heard a commercial about cancer or cancer medication, and any kind of medicine with all of its horrible side effects I would mute the TV.  Most of the time now they just annoyingly play in the background, I’m not paying much attention to them, but I’m aware.  That’s sort of what it’s like being in treatment for me.  I’m trying to wrap my mind around my “wellness” and being healthy, but right now it’s because the medicine I’m on is basically what is keeping me alive – and that is WOW!  That is a HUGE concept to grasp, right?  Right.  It’s like walking through a forest with no real sense of direction of how to get out, or even knowing if there is a way out, but I keep moving forward – hoping that I’m going in the right direction.  I don’t even really know what I’ll come up against or how I will ever get out – so I turn to – FAITH!  All I have is my very dim sense of direction, and my huge lantern of FAITH.  But these are just places I travel along the way, this is just part of the scenery on the journey, like passing an unpainted barn.  You notice the barn, it’s not necessarily beautiful, but you notice it along the way.  You might even think about it for a few moments.  It’s chipping paint, broken doors, aged wood.  You may notice quite a bit about it, much like these passing thoughts.  But you’re not going to stop and visit with the barn, it’s just something you’ve noticed along the way.   

So this is where I am.  I’m passing an old barn.  My brain (my dear sweet, intelligent, lovely, filled with wisdom brain) is trying to process, the barn, the destination, how far I’ve come and how much further I have to go.  I’m trying to wrap my mind around my here and now to attempt to make some sense of it all and put it all into some sort of perspective.  Some days I fail miserably at it and all I want to do is sleep – I’m mentally, emotionally and psychologically exhausted.  Sleep is a beautiful escape.  It allows me to climb into my spaceship, take a trip to outer space where all I have to focus on are the stars, the moon the surrounding planets and basically nothing.  I’m on auto-pilot and it’s magnificent – it’s wonderful and it’s great.  It’s my waking hours that I seem to have to constantly struggle with lately.  Because then not only do I have my own mind/thoughts to contend with, to try to make sense of, to try to deal with – but there is all of the noise in the world – all of the noise of others and whatever they are dealing with or not dealing with, and work and life – and just the very ordinariness of it all – and that is what I’m constantly trying to escape. 

Wait... What?..."the hair thing?"

My New Normal...

More scarier for some than others...

A lot of times in whatever we are going through, it is not the thing that we fear that we are going through, it is the unknown that is scarier than what is actually happening.  You don’t really know what’s around the corner or what’s coming up next, and that is what is scary at times.  I had no idea what to really expect with all of this, so all I have is my trust in my relationship with God and my faith in that trust in that relationship!  

Once you get to the point where you thought you would be afraid, you realize that in that moment you have been equipped to deal with whatever is happening in that moment.  I bet if we all took inventory we would know that to be absolutely true.  There’s always a ram in the bush – a way out, a better outlook, a “that was easy”, or “not as hard as I thought it would be”.  “Look at me, I’m okay.”

We all have our stories and we are all on our own journeys, traveling to wherever we are traveling, taking whichever route we are taking.  I hope you have lots of beautiful scenery and lots of enjoyable moments.  I hope you stop because you delight in something you’ve never seen before. I hope you find yourself on a road where you are just in awe of the beauty that surrounds you.  I hope there is laughter and fun, and someone to share in those magical moments with you!  I hope you feel good more than you feel bad – I hope you have love, peace and happiness.  I hope you have Joy in your journey, no matter the route you take or the path you are on!

 

While I am where I am – let me interject something, right smack dab in the middle of this … this happens…

My hair is coming off.  Not like breaking or shedding or thinning, coming completely off, straight from the roots, off.  Gone, coming off as if it was just attached by tape or Velcro and they both just wore out and lost their sticky substance.  I’ve known for some time that it was coming off, and I’ve dealt with it in stages, and then I’ve ignored it.  I know that one day I will have to deal with it all just being gone, perhaps sooner rather than later (maybe, maybe not).  I’ll most likely lose my signature up-do braid styles that I love so much, and I’m going to have to come to the terms that is okay and move on to something else – a different stage in life, on this journey.  But today, right now, right this minute, I have not come to those terms and it is definitely NOT okay.  I’m not sure if it is worse or better, losing it all at once or gradually.  On the positive side I’ve seen some beautiful, beautiful, amazing people on their own journey, no hair, no worries, doing their thing, pushing through doing what they have to do and embracing the becoming of their whole selves, and they truly are beautiful, physically, inwardly/outwardly , and all the way around.  I look at them and I think, how bold, how brave, how amazing, how incredibly beautiful and I wonder if I could ever be that bold, that amazing, that brave, that beautiful.  What happens when I get to that part, and I can no longer fake it, no longer pretend no longer prolong the inevitable and pretend like it’s not happening?  Who am I and who will I be when I get to that part?  I can only hope and pray that I am blessed with whatever I need to push on, move on and move past it!  I pray that I am blessed with all that I need to embrace my complete becoming, hair or no hair.  I’m not going to pretend like I’m not sad about it, I’ve been sad about it in stages, as it has been happening in stages.  I think what makes it so emotionally shocking is the fact that it’s not a choice, it’s just happening – like none of this is a choice – but it’s what’s happening.  The choice is choosing how to deal with it all.  Of course, I know that the hair on my head (or lack thereof) does not make me who I am, but nothing brings that revelation to light more than when you no longer have that hair, through no choice of your own.  Yes, this too shall pass, most likely with the rest of the hair on my head, and then maybe I’ll have an altogether different perspective than one of sadness & loss of losing a dear friend.

I honestly feel like somehow my hair is betraying me.  It’s not supposed to fall off and die -it’s supposed to hang in there and hold on and fight, you know like me.  It’s supposed to be my crown, my shield, strength, encouragement and proof that even though I’m not doing the traditional things, losing my hair was not supposed to be a thing and yet here we are.  But just because my hair is dying, doesn’t mean my spirit is – right?  Right.  Exactly!  Baby steps.  Perhaps it’s not necessarily a dreadful ending, but new beginning, right? Exactly!  Much like that “new normal” that I’m now living.  I honestly don’t know what all I’ll have to do to adjust to this, I imagine I’ll walk all the way across that bridge as I continue on.  But right now, I’ll sit down on this bench for a minute, relax, take a breather, access the situation and consider the rest of my journey.  Because in my suitcase of hope, God is Good.  Life is Good.  All is Well… and good things are still happening… 

…

So here I am, a year in, as I stated above.  My thought process is where it is, and the whole hair thing.  I feel like I take a few steps forward and then I double-back.  Not because I am going backwards, but I am doubling-back reassuring and reassessing.  A few more steps forward and then doubling-back – that almost sounds as bad as moving at a snails pace.  Nevertheless, I’m still moving forward, but it’s almost imperceptible.  But that’s okay.  I like to call it cha-cha thinking.  You move up – “everything is going to be fine, no matter what”, one two; and double-back, “how do I deal with the anxiety of these moments?, losing my hair?”, (1-2-3-) cha-cha-cha!   I found myself in between, cha-cha thinking or puzzle pieces thoughts.  Lots of puzzle pieces.  Now the cha-cha thinking, that’s anxiety.  It was happening more often that it was not happening.

So, while at a routine visit with my primary physician, I mention to her I’d like to have something to take for anxiety.  She recommended a maintenance drug, but no.  I did not want anymore maintenance drugs, I just wanted something to take when I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and anxious, which was often enough to notice, but not all the time.  Well, because of the complexity of the (chemo) medicine I was taking she thought it best that I see a psychiatrist who specializes in treating patients with cancer.  The appointment is set. My first visit goes well, she assesses the situation, we chat for a bit, I get a prescription to help me cope with the anxiety (cha-cha thinking) and all is good in the world.  Let’s see you back in 4 weeks to see how things are going.  At my next follow-up appointment, things are going well, the anti-anxiety medicine is working.  The cha-cha thinking comes and goes.  Great, see you in another 6 weeks.

The cha-cha has subsided a bit, but now – now ladies & gentlemen here come the puzzle pieces.  One moment there are about 20 pieces, it’s easy to see how they go together.  I’m putting the pieces together, but now there are 20 more pieces.  Okay, a bit challenging, but not quite overwhelming.  I’m still putting the pieces together, and now here are 40 more pieces.  Now it becomes a bit more challenging and overwhelming.  I’m stopping, taking a break from the puzzle.  I tell myself, I will come back with renewed thoughts.  All really is well, things are going well and I really do feel blessed.  These are not just encouraging fluffy words, this is the absolute truth.  This is the absolute truth that I feel, know and believe with every fiber of my being and every cell in my body, especially the ones being rejuvenated.  So how am I here wandering in what feels like the wilderness of despair?  How did I find myself in this particular headspace?  I do not know.  I honestly do not know, because I imagine that if I did know, I would either, know how to move forward, put all of the puzzle pieces together, or just not be here.  I don’t know how or why I’m here, but I say to myself, what I have been saying to myself, “right now, this is just what it is.”  “I am where I am.”  Rest.  So, I rest.  After I feel as though I have had adequate time set aside, with sober thoughts, I go back to work on the puzzle pieces, but, what seems like should have been easy now, 40 more pieces have appeared.  I’ll do this another day.  Rest.  My mind is tired, sleep.  Yes, that’s it.  That must be it.  Back to my spaceship where I can sleep.  No puzzle pieces thoughts and no cha-cha thinking.  I didn’t have to deal with the cha-cha thinking, or where or how to deal with the puzzle pieces.  Here, my thoughts did not consume me and my emotions did not overwhelm me.  Sleep had not only become welcoming rest, it was my safe space.  This was so incredibly different for me, because I love to always be doing something.  I love to just be out and about or having fun.  I’m not even a “take a nap” person.  I was always trying to figure out how to squeeze the most out of the hours of my day.  But now, I didn’t want to think about any of that.  The thought of interacting made me exhausted.  I knew that painting made me feel better, yet I did not paint.  I knew that writing made me feel better, yet I did not write.  I did enough to get by each day for everyone to continue to think I was okay, by the end of the day, that felt exhausting.  I wanted to make plans with friends, and then I did not, because the thought of it made me instantly tired.  I looked forward to the moments I could just lie on the couch and do nothing.  I didn’t watch television, because trying to find something interesting to watch made me tired.  So I slept.  I looked forward to going to bed, being in my room where it was nice and dark and cool, with my pillows and my new best friend – sleep.  Sleep has become my friend and my safe space.  At least I thought it was, until, I woke up one morning and my head was so heavy on my pillow. I did not have headache, and it wasn’t because my neck hurt from sleeping in an awkward position.  It was the cha-cha thinking, all of the puzzle pieces and not knowing where or how to place them and the very thought of it being overwhelming, it was my emotions smothering me.  I had pushed it down and pushed it down so much that now, my head just felt heavy.  Ladies and gentlemen, it was depression.  Depression had come in, sat down, lied down across my bed and made itself at home.  Depression had become my companion, not sleep.  The sleep was the cloak, it was the cloak that disguised what was underneath.

Six weeks later, I check in to my appointment.  I sit down with my psychiatrist, we go through the formalities, doing fine on the medicine, blah!  blah!  blah!  And how are you feeling otherwise, she says.  I begin to speak, and then I cannot – tears begin to stream down my face.  Trickling, stream of steady tears.  I finally gather myself together, long enough to speak, and I say, “I’m not okay.”  Oh dear, Lord, I am not okay.  I don’t think I fully understood the how or the why, I wasn’t “okay”.  But I wasn’t.  I explained it like so, it felt like I was drowning, being smothered in my emotions.  I felt at times like I was suffocating.  It was as if someone was holding my head under water, but it was my emotions, then my scattered thoughts, all those tiny puzzle pieces in my mind that I could not figure out how to put together.  There was no one really to talk to about these things.  No one else understood what to do with the puzzle pieces.  It was just the ordinary, “it’s going to be okay.  I actually already knew that it was “going to be” okay.  It was just in those precise moments, it was not – I was not, okay.  Everyone around me was just happy knowing that I looked okay,.  I did my normal day-to-day things and then some.  Got up every morning, went to work, and quite presentable.  Held interesting conversations, smiled, laughed, even tried together with a few friends, here and there, just to maintain some semblance of still functioning and being tip-top okay.  I presented quite well.  Then I would retreat with burdening, overwhelming, mental exhaustion.  So, when I wasn’t busy presenting, I slept.  Sure, the medicine had made me slightly more tired than normal, but this was excessive.  I’d look around and there seemed to be so much to do, try to fix, try to deal with (puzzle pieces).  One night, I imagined lying my head on God’s big huge lap.  I put my head there and I heard a faint whisper, “it’s okay, help is on the way.”  It’s okay, help is on the way.   When I woke up, the heaviness had not subsided much, but I knew that “it’s okay, help is on the way.”  I had made it to my next mental health appointment, and I told my doctor the absolute truth, “right now, I am not okay.”  Sometimes we think we are so strong and can handle so much and we can take on anything and we can do all the things and be good, better than good.  We neglect ourselves, trying to take care of others.  We put our needs, wants on a shelf trying to make sure everything, everyone else is okay – and that my dear friends, is NOT okay.  We all know it, we all know that if I don’t take good care of me, I cannot take good care of you, yet somehow we still try to take care of everyone else.  In those moments of feeling invincible we wear ourselves down – and now… NOW, it was time that I had to take care of me.  I had to be selfish with my time.  I had to put myself first.  I had to do what was best for me.  I had to think about what I wanted and what I needed.  I had to.  It was no longer my plight in life to make sure the world was okay.  It was imperative that I take care of me and be whatever I needed for myself.  That my dear friends, is wisdom at its best!  But now, I needed help to do just that.  I didn’t want to keep hanging out with depression, it being my new best friend.  I did not want that, it was no fun, and if I ever felt like I was not living my best life, it was then.  I asked for help!  It’s okay to ask for help, others are gifted, blessed and equipped to do that, and it was okay to admit to “myself” I was not super-human, that I had vulnerabilities, that I didn’t have to feel like I had to do everything or be everything.  I had to be okay, knowing in those moments, I was not okay – but I would be again.

This is not a race, it's a marathon, and the goal/prize is not the finish line...

Two years into treatment – almost a complete full two years and I
am not only surviving, I am thriving.  

You ever feel like you’re trying to out-live yourself? Like you’re
up against some kind of “hurry up and live your life to the fullest clock”?
Well, since I got the diagnosis, I put myself under a lot of pressure to do
just that. I set a pretty high scale for myself to live my best life! Always
checking to make sure I’m at my best, or being my best, or doing my best, doing
the best this and the best that – pushing myself to live beyond the disease…
[yes, I said it, disease] … to do this and do that… do, do, do – push, push,
push – go, go, go.  I was so busy trying to focus on “living my best
life out loud”, that I was forgetting to just “be” – just be who I
am, wholly and completely.  I was basically living “past
myself”.  Reaching for that which was over and beyond
myself.  Looking past the day, the moment and reaching, not just for
the stars, but beyond the stars.  I somehow felt like I was up against
some sort of clock, a life ticking time-bomb, that was set to go off and
explode at any moment.  That sounds crazy, right?!?  Well it
absolutely is/was crazy!  The truth is, none of us have any idea,
diagnosis or no diagnosis, when we’re going to cross over from this side of
life to the other side.  But I wanted to take as much in on this side
of life that I possibly could, because after all, isn’t that the ultimate
goal?  Isn’t the goal to live as much as we can of this wonderful
gift, taking in as much joy, happiness and experiences that we can while we’re
here?  I think sometimes we focus too much on “that” aspect of “life”
that we forget to enjoy the single solitary moments of joy that we are in in
each and every moment.  No, not only sometimes, most of the time, for
most of us.

So, there I was – one day, I just woke up and was completely exhausted. Like I
just could not get out of bed. I could barely move, frozen in that particular
moment in time.  Lethargy kicked in like a log floating down the
river, just letting the waters carry it withersoever it willed.  I
thought, this too shall pass.  I woke up the next day, even more
exhausted, again the day after that and the day after that. My locomotive had
turned into “the little engine that could”. I thought, “Dear Lord what is wrong
with me”?  It felt like wisdom bent down and whispered in my spirit
“nothing.” Nothing is wrong with you. It’s okay to rest, and since you haven’t
been listening to your body, it has now “demanded” it from you.  Your
“get up and go” is on a much-needed sabbatical.  I was stumped, but I
understood quickly.  I was demanding so much from myself, not
realizing that each and every moment (in that moment) it WAS my absolute best.
I was trying to out-do myself, and my “self” was saying… “but this is good
enough for now”. I could not hear it because the need to do “something” was
louder. I didn’t want to be or feel defeated by “Cancer”. I thought that meant,
“doing all the things”! it does not. The truth is, whether I sit, do nothing,
take a walk, read a book, write a book, paint a picture, take a picture, take a
trip, lie in bed, eat a great meal, eat cheese and crackers, sip water or wine,
I’m NOT defeated.  In whatever moment I’m doing what I’m doing – in
that moment – it’s all good! So, as I sat there sipping my cute coffee, breathing
in the fresh morning air, listening to the birds sing, taking in those few
morning minutes to myself, I realized that right then and there and even right
now, this is my absolute BEST LIFE in this “moment”. So, I’m learning not to
run to the moment, but let the moments come and receive the gifts that they
bring, whether it be silence or adventure. Whether I’m sleeping or hiking, in
whatever I am doing in each moment that I’m doing it – it’s the best that I can
do (no pressure) and it’s still my BEST LIFE! In each millisecond of my Life,
God is Good – Life is Good – All is Well – and Good Things are Still Always
Happening!

that delightful feeling When God shows you confirmation that he keeps his promises!

One of the greatest feelings about LIVING is not only KNOWNG that all of the Good Things Are Always Happening but realizing that YOU ARE too the GOOD, GREAT, AWESOME, FABULOUS, FANTASTIC, WONDERFUL & AMAZING THING that is ALWAYS Happening!!

The hair thing... let me update you.

So, the hair thing!  Yes, the grueling hair situation.  So here I am.  I have finally arrived to the place where, it is total & complete wig time.  The music is playing, just turn and face it.  So there I sat in bed, and I said, “okay, this is where I am, this is what it is”.  But Dear Lord, help me find some really, really, cute wigs!  I’m sitting in bed, feeling out this space and my daughter walks into the room and asks “what’s wrong mom”.  So, I say to her, “I’m at the point where I’m going to have to wear a wig now, there is just no way around it.”  The thing is, I absolutely do not really like hair touching me for prolonged periods of time (days).  I loved that I could throw my hair in braids and throw them up in a bun.  Perhaps I will find a cute wig that I could wear in a cute bun, that doesn’t look like a wig ponytail.  So my daughter says to me, “mom, they have braid wigs now.  They have full lace braid wigs that you can put up in a bun if you wanted to.”  WHAT?  OMG?  I swear in that exact moment it was like the heavens opened and sang a beautiful lovely song! Girlfriend! Check out the YouTube videos and reviews!  I opened YouTube and searched for “full lace braid wigs”, I was amazed!  But how I got from YouTube to Etsy, I have no idea, must have been during a search! Lawd! There is a whole market right on Etsy!  I made my first purchase, I was too excited!  From the time you order until the time it arrives is about 2 months, but if anything was worth the wait – this was!  They are custom made! When my wig arrived and I tried it on, I was so super excited! If I didn’t know any better, I feel like this creation was created just for me!  My up-do braids – God is Good!

maintenance

When the words “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is more than just a cliche – but it’s literally your whole life!

* * *

Appointment days!  With these days always comes a bit of anxiety, but I guess that’s to be expected!  Whether I’m just doing lab work, scans or lab work and scans – all of it or some of it.  All of the poking, prodding, being stuck with needles, trying to find a vein for blood, trying to capture a vein for the IV, just every bit of all of it is a bit overwhelming and exhausting.  But, again it’s very necessary, I guess.  It still does not make it any more welcome, or mean that I’m going to be a little less anxious about the whole process.  Yet, I’m always hopeful. 

Walking into the Seidman Cancer Center has come to be a very sobering experience.  Suddenly I’m aware! Broadly and widely “aware”, of my surroundings, the somber feeling in the air.  It’s not just about what’s going on in my life but also in the lives of those visiting for their appointment day at the Siedman Center.  I know that everyone in this particular unit of the hospital is there for one unified reason.  No matter where or how one might be affected, we all share one united goal & purpose.  I sense the wonder in everyone’s minds as we look around the room into each other’s faces, one wondering about the other.  Is he going to make it, is she going to make it?  Where are they in their journey? Is this the first trip, the second trip or the last trip?  What are their fears, anxieties, hopes, dreams?  What has life carved out for them?  But, more specifically, why has it carved out this particular path for them?  For us, either one of us?  What could we, what would we share, if we could?  Would you want to hear about my struggles or accomplishments on this particular journey?  I believe in each connection one will draw from another what has attracted them to you, to ask, seek or understand.  One person may draw from me the feelings that I felt when I found out, another person will draw what perspectives and/or wisdom I have gained thus far.  I’m forever evolving and learning something at every turn, about myself as well as others.  Each and every one of us, no matter what path or journey we are on, I believe we are all daily doing the best that we can do with what we have for each moment of each day.  There are no right or wrong ways to do this. 

To be absolutely honest with you (but mostly myself), I don’t quite have the full understanding of why this particular path has been carved out for me – but I have never felt victimized or alone.  I’ve never felt self-pity or like “woe is me”.   I know, way down deep where it matters, that God is always with me, I am never alone, (even if I have to venture off to an appointment by myself).  I know that God has all of the answers.  I trust that whatever the answers may be, wherever this journey may take me or lead, it was chosen specifically for me for specific reasons.  So, it is my intention to pull from it, learn from it, experience it, share it, evolve, be inspired, be uplifted, receive whatever gifts it brings and be whatever gift I can, because this is where I am, this is what it is.  I seem to have tapped into the wholeness of who I am.  I now understand “purpose” – my purpose.  It is not as deep or profound as we try to make it out to be when trying to “understand our purpose”!  I embrace the wholeness of who I am, and it is my true intent and “purpose” just to enjoy my whole complete life, no matter where I am, where I am going, what I am doing or who I am doing it with!  My purpose is to feel the joy of my existence at any given moment, whether I’m lying down taking a nap, going on a 3-mile walk or watching a movie.  For me now, it’s like looking at my life through a magnifying glass – I see so clearly! I see so vividly things I would miss with the naked eye, (just living ordinarily day to day).  I’m not sure that without walking on this particular path if my sense of self would be so keen at this stage in my life, but that’s neither here nor there, because here I am.  I’m thankful!

So, despite my anxieties on appointment day, I am thankful to have an excellent team of doctors, nurses, in-take specialists, just the whole entire staff!  I just love them all to pieces!  Everyone smiles when they say hello, and we even laugh together. It always helps to laugh and smile and make light of what’s going on around you – even if not necessarily to you.  Laughter helps everything! 

So, this – this now is a part of my life, heck – it is my life!  My new-normal life, as normal and routine as a dental appointment, wellness visits or getting a pedicure.  This is what it is.  Have I fully accepted that this is my life for the rest of my life?  Perhaps.   Have I come to terms with the fact that this is part of my path for survival? Perhaps.  But this I know for sure, I am thankful and I am blessed!  I may be overwhelmed with anxiety when I walk in the door on appointment days, but when I leave, I am thankful, hopeful and so incredibly overwhelmed with joy!  After that, it’s off to treat myself with a nice lunch and Starbucks!! Always Starbucks on appointment days, is complete happiness!

Embracing my now - looking forward to my future!

Two years and some odd months since the diagnosis.  I feel like I’ve come so far – I have come very far.  It’s like I know what’s behind me, but not quite sure what’s ahead of me, but I know that my right now, is amazing!  Can’t I take the right now and pave out the path of my future?  That should definitely be my determination and focus.    The last visit of follow-ups, blood draws and scans were overly stressful for some odd reason or another.  The IV this time around was a bit on the horrible side, I’m not even exaggerating!  I’ve said this to myself countless times, and I said to myself again while lying on that table waiting for someone to “properly” insert the IV needle, “wow, this is my life”.  This continues and it goes on and on and on.  Hope travels with me every day, it’s my intimate sidekick all the time, but especially when it’s appointment time.  But there was something even more sobering about this last visit.  I left my doctor’s office thinking – each time I am so blessed to hear “your scans look good and you are doing well” – this is yet more opportunities to live my most amazing life out loud, to the fullest, in complete joy!  The reality is that I’m doing great, fabulous and well-being is flowing to me and through me, and for that I am truly grateful.  So, I walked away this time, saying that it was time to embrace some changes in my life, some very abrasive changes, yet overall good changes!  I embrace that life is happening for me – not to me!  I embrace and believe that ALL things are working out for me and for my absolute best, setting me up to live my absolute best life ever and it feels so good!  It feels good to be on this journey where I am, there were some rocky spaces, but it feels so amazingly good, fantastic and phenomenal, and for that I am truly grateful.

I embrace my now, and right now, I’m taking the medication twice a day, every day; right now, I’m going to the doctor every 6 to 8 weeks, with blood draws each time; right now I have scans every four to six months, so right now, this is what it is and I’m blessed and I’m grateful.  The only thing I know right now about tomorrow is that I will continue to be blessed, I will continue to feel and know that well-being is flowing to me and through me, that Hope & Faith are my intimate companions.  I know that no matter what, God loves me in abundance and things will always work out for me.  I know that life will continue to serve me with bountiful deliciousness and that God is good, life is good, All is Well and Good things are always happening!

Scans, Scans and more Scans

The MRI this time around…

So this time around, here comes again the much dreaded MRI.  I have been NOT looking forward to this appointment for days, weeks.  For the most part I was able to put it out of my mind, and focus on other things.  I have resigned to the fact that, this is just what it is, suck it up and deal.  Which for the most part, I have.  I have definitely made peace with this whole process.  I’ve even reserved to make the most and best of it.  So that’s where I am with it all, until MRI day.  I don’t know, I’m not particularly fond of the CT scan either, but that doesn’t make me as anxious as MRI day, and it spans beyond the whole IV process, that’s not blissful either.  Anyway, here I am a week out.  I had previously planned that I was going to take something to help me relax and it would all be okay.  Someone will drive me anyway, I’ll take some anti-anxiety stuff and it will all be fine and over before I know it, and I can get on with the rest of my day.  Well!  Here I am a week out and I learn that my little partner will not be able to join me because she has to work.  Everyone has to work.  I’d asked my sister to take a half day… and then, I got an epiphany!  It’s okay to do this by yourself.  Plan a treat for yourself when you’re done and use that to focus on and look forward to – I said an epiphany, only later to realize that God himself had orchestrated the whole thing!  So, I said to my sister, never mind, I had a plan.

Here we are, MRI day, and it’s Valentine’s day!  A day I like to call International Love day! So, I’m preparing for my appointment and I just have this sense of excitement, trust me, not about the appointment, but my plans afterwards.  So, I’m running a bit behind the time I would have liked to leave out – Google told me traffic was light – that turned out not to be the case, and then it starts to snow!  I think, that’s okay.  The clock says one thing, but I’m not going to be late, it will be fine.  I get to the garage in record time.  I then think, it would be nice to get a really good, close parking spot.  I’m going up the first ramp, slowly approaching the second ramp, but as I’m getting closer to narrowing the corner, a car pulls out, smack, dab, right on the end.  I had to look twice to make sure it was a real spot – like mentally I had to pinch myself, it was perfect!  I thought, okay God! I see how this day is going to go.  This is going to be a nice, easy day, okay!  I get to check in with 3 minutes to spare – I was surprised myself.  I thought for sure I would probably be at least 5 minutes late.  What happened?  Did time stand still?  Anyway, I check in get settled, and who calls me back for blood work?  None other than my favorite phlebotomist!  Yes, I have been doing this enough to have favorites!  That was easy.  Now for the next part. But I’m early, I need a mental minute, I’m not ready to be seated and waiting in the actual radiology area.  On my way to the cafeteria I stumble upon the most beautiful photography artwork.  Captivating!  I felt like those pictures were put there at that moment, just for me.  I have walked these halls, a fair amount of times, and if the artwork was there before, I did not recall, and if it was, it did not stand out to me like it did that day.  So, I admire the art, grab a soda (just to be doing something) and make my way back to radiology.

Step one, the IV.  I brace myself and tell myself, okay this will be fine, one poke and you’ll be done.  Dude seems pretty secure and knows what he’s doing.  So I steady my arm, hum a tune, pinch, stick, tape, done!  Okay, that wasn’t too bad, made it through on point of anxiety. 

Now, its’ almost time for the machine part, but this is where they wand you down to make sure you have no metals in you or on you.  My process is going well until he gets to my head.  Now I made sure, that I had no bobby pins in my hair.  Did a bit of extra gluing to make sure my wig was glued on nice and tight.  So, here we go.  Beep-beep-beep-beep!  Something is happening here.  Is it my ponytail holder?  Perhaps.  So, I remove the ponytail holder.  He wands again.  Beep-beep-beep-beep!  There’s something happening over here, behind your ear – OH WAIT.  The wig has plastic combs Jesus!  Oh wow!  So, I’m like “do I need to take it off”.  Yes.  Oh wow, okay.  I go back into the dressing room to remove my hair.  I look in the mirror, remove my hair, wrap my scarf around my head and put on a shower cap.  I look in the mirror and I see that same beautiful girl starring back at me.  Now some of you who have been following along on my journey, know that this is a HUGE source of contention for me.  I my hair has been coming off gradually and I knew that eventually I would have to go to full blown wigs.  I have never liked wearing whole wigs.  I don’t’ like feeling trapped in my hair, or hair touching me or the inability to put my hair up!  But I was at a point where, again, I had to make peace with it.  I sat in bed crying one day, because I knew in a matter of days, that I would reach that part on this journey.  I said okay, this is where you are, so something good is going to come out of this for you.  You will find a style that you absolutely love and can stand.  My daughter walks in and asks what’s wrong.  I tell her about the wig situation and how I love wearing my braids and my hair up – she matter-of-factly says, “mom they have full lace braid wigs that you can wear and style anyway you want.”  WHAT???  We go to YouTube and a whole new world opens up for me.  I was so super excited when it first arrived!  It was so cute and I was so happy, and I felt like this happened just for me, for such a time as this.  Okay, back to the appointment.

Step two, the machine!  Bracing myself.  There’s a part of me that fears small places, but I know it’s mental and very much on the surface of who I am and what I am made of.  So, I get prepped and get ready to slide into the machine, close my eyes, it’s going to be fine.  Thirty minutes – it’s going to be fine.  WAIT!  Pull me out.  One of the techs said, “would you like to mirror to help you see outside?”  At first, I declined, because I didn’t know what to expect.  But then I thought, wait – what is the mirror!  OH, MY LORD, she put the mirror on and I swear the heavens opened up, literally!  It was like magic.  I no longer felt that “closed in” feeling.  I could actually see outside.  People walking around, like really looking out the window.  It saved my whole life during that test.  Okay, that was done, good looking out God.  Step 3, the third and final step – the contrast!  This is the part where I say to myself, “remember, you’re not going to puke.”  “You’re not going to puke.”  Contrast goes in slowly, “you’re not going to puke”.  Okay, maybe I won’t feel like I have to puke this time and I’m not really going to….  Hits the call button, help, I’m going to puke!  Before I get pulled out, I’m fine.  I’m really not going to puke and that puke feeling passes!  Fifteen more minutes of MRI noise and action-packed movies playing in my head to the noise.  Finally, it’s all over and everything is good in the world.  I left Siedman, and, the sun – the WHOLE sun comes out!  All the way out!  Like a big huge smile from the Heavens!  I said, “God, can you be any more amazing today”?

Now I will tell you something that I realized.  At my last CT scan appointment a few months back, it was awful.  Not the appointment itself, or the outcome, just during the IV part, right before the scan.  The scans last about 5 to 10 minutes.  You have to get a whole IV for 5 to 10 minutes.  Okay.  Well, at this particular appointment, I had so many reservations, and I have no idea why.  I should be used to this.  But, I don’t care if you go five, ten, twenty or a hundred times, I don’t think it’s something you “get used to”.  You just make peace in your mind, that, this is what’s happening right now, this is what it is.  The key is to think this to your best advantage.  Mentally I do not know where I was that day, and that’s okay.  You are where you are when you’re there. 

Overall, it was a lovely day!  I saw a near and dear friend, mentor (family) who showed up just like an angels on the scene.  It was the embrace I needed at that time and God only knew.  I saw lots of wonderful art in the hospital and at the museum.  (I now know the art was there just for me, especially and specifically, because when I went back just a few days later it was already changed into something else).  The sun came out, big, bold and beautiful upon my exit of Seidman, I had a nice lunch with myself – overall just a very lovely day!  (And for all of that, and every other bonus on and behind the scenes I am truly, truly, thankful & grateful).  Next Scan in 3 months – will keep you posted! *wink*

I'll let you in on a little secret.

Hair does not make me who I am.  The woman that I am today has nothing to do with the hair that I had yesterday.  When I first began to lose my hair I felt pieces of me was slowly being erased, and I was determined to hold on to some of it.  But mostly I am an all or nothing person, in most instances.  One morning I woke up and decided that I had had enough and decided that I would make my own conscious decision to be done with it.  When it was all done (shaved off) I saw my complete (beautiful & amazing) self underneath.  It honestly could have been any number or combination of things that led to the hair loss.  It’s hard to contribute it to one single factor.  The important thing is no matter what, underneath it all is another level of beauty.  I was more happy with it being all gone than i was trying to hold on to pieces of something that was no longer really a part of who I was, who I am.   I will admit, at first I was subconscious. One day I said, I am who I am, with or without hair.  I fixed myself up, got myself together and went out into the world.  After a while, I forgot all about not having any hair and if people were staring and they actually were not.  It was then that I realized it wasn’t about being accepted by anyone else, it was about me fully accepting my own whole self.  Loving all of the pieces and parts of my own self and embracing the complete woman that I am, and that has nothing to do with whether or not I have hair, or whether or not I wear hair. I am beautiful, inside and out, right where I am in every moment of my life!  That’s the secret of still being amazing & beautiful, loving and accepting your whole complete self right where you are in every moment/second of your being-ness!

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Almost made it out of the woods...

What does that actually really mean?!? Do we ever really make it “out” of the woods! Life itself feels much like being in the woods! And it’s not meant necessarily to be a bad thing, but you have to envision the woods as not necessarily meaning “danger”, but experiences. Life is a whole delight of trying to figure out which way to go, with twists and turns along the way! You make it to one end of the forest, but then it continues on the next path.